A Question that Dads Have

“Will I love my second child as much as I do my first one?”

I was perplexed by this question when I first heard that a couple of dads had asked it as they prepared for the arrival of their second child. Looking back on the anticipation for our second child’s arrival, I don’t ever remember being worried about not feeling the same joy and excitement for our second son as I felt when we had our first son, Braden. 

Nearly two decades later, that smart-alleck second son, Jayden (now 19), would probably jokingly say something like, “It’s probably because you were never that crazy about Braden, (now 22)  in the first place, right dad?”, but nothing could have been further from the truth. I love(d) Braden! Being present for his birth was one of the highlights of my life, and I loved the responsibilities that went along with being a dad. Braden had such a sweet personality, wonderful smile, and contagious laugh that it made me want to be with him all of the time. When he would saunter over and say his favorite word, “haaug” (hug), and wrap his tiny arms around you, it was impossible for your heart not to melt.

Because I was so crazy about Braden and loved him so much, it didn’t really cross my mind to be worried about Jayden’s arrival, at least in terms of how I thought I would feel about him. I truly expected that I would love being a dad to Jayden just as much as I did with Braden (and I was right!).

Some Fears Behind the Question

But as I ponder the question a little more, I can understand why new dads of a second child might be apprehensive about bringing a new baby into the fold. Babies can be expensive, and adding a second child can certainly be hard on the pocketbook. A newborn’s sleep schedule can be difficult for parents to establish, and if there’s a toddler who is not on a consistent sleep schedule, things become that much more difficult (and parents are even more tired). But for me, the biggest challenge I felt when adding a second child to the family was the feeling of being outnumbered. When Jayden came home from the hospital, my wife and I were quickly hit with the realization that we no longer had a numerical advantage. While we could tag-team things like Braden’s bedtime routine, diaper changes, nap schedules, and morning dressings, now we were often playing one-on-one, with one of us handling the duties of caring for a newborn while the other caring for the needs of a two-year old. Even simple things like going to the grocery store or meeting a friend for a cup of coffee became much more difficult, because you knew that if you left the house on your own, you were leaving your spouse outnumbered for a substantial amount of time, and sometimes crazy things could happen.

The Boys’ and My Slimy, Green Jellybean Adventure

Never did I feel more outnumbered than once when my wife had to go out of town for a convention for three or four days and I had to take care of the boys by myself.  Jayden was only a few months old and Braden was a rambunctious almost-three-year old with a penchant for finding trouble. Needing to get some items from the grocery store, I arrogantly decided to take the boys for an outing.  I expertly had Jayden in his baby carrier and Braden was riding in the child seat of the grocery cart. Braden could get a little bit squirmy at times, but he really enjoyed me giving him a jelly bean every couple of minutes for a fun snack. Things were going well – the boys were quiet and calm, I was filling up the cart with the things we needed, and I was even getting some smiles and “you’re such a good dad” nods from the grandmotherly types that we encountered in the aisles. 

It didn’t take long, however, for everything to come crashing down. When reaching into Jayden’s baby carrier to check on him, I discovered it was filled with runny, greenish diarrhea that had moved up his back and was into his hair. Green, smelly slime everywhere! While I was coming up with a plan on how to deal with that mess, Braden started shrieking and crying. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong at first, but then I noticed that he had jammed a jelly bean so far up his nose that neither he nor I could get it out. I didn’t think he was in any danger, but I’m sure his screaming could be heard from across the store.

What do you do in a situation like that? You pack up your kids and high-tail it out of there, that’s what! I felt bad for leaving a full cart of groceries in the middle of the store for employees to put away, but I really had no choice. When we got home, Braden was able to be distracted enough by one of his DVD’s of The Wiggles to stop crying, so I was able to give Jayden a bath and put him down for a nap. I then put my surgical skills to the test and successfully used tweezers to extract a yellow jelly bean from Braden’s nostril. Later, after cleaning the baby carrier, I celebrated my survival by cracking open a beer and ordering a pizza.

The Good Stuff

While it’s easy to focus on crazy situations like that, those types of things are few and far between and are just part of the deal when you become a parent (and you laugh about them later on). The problems associated with having a second child can be stressful, but are short-term. The long-term love and benefits our family received from having a second (and later a third) child (now 17) were boundless, and I couldn’t imagine it being any other way.  As the boys got older, they became playmates and would sometimes spend hours together playing legos or putting on “puppet shows” with the dozens of stuffed animals they had in their rooms. They both have a great sense of humor, and it was always fun to hear one shout “Fire in the hole!” from a bedroom while the other activated a well-used Whoopie Cushion.  Braden has special needs, and in middle and high school it was often his younger brother, Jayden who looked out for him and was the one to drive him to school, to work, or to Special Olympics practice. Now that Jayden is in college and living in another state, Braden looks forward to his brother’s visits home and the laughter and fun he brings to our family.

Adding second and third children to our family has brought my wife and I fulfillment in ways that we didn’t even anticipate. “Will I love my second child as much as I do my first one?”  For me, the answer was a definite “yes”, and the love in our family grows exponentially as the years go by.